Because alcohol is a sedative, we very soon become conditioned to reaching for a drink to alleviate stress, unhappiness, and conflict. When you stop drinking, life becomes immeasurably better, but it is still life, with all its ups and downs. When you stop drinking you will have bad days, you need to both accept that and prepare for it.
If you just quit without planning for these bad days, they can hit you like a blow to the solar plexus. You feel absolutely miserable and the one thing you use to alleviate that has gone. You need something, anything to help you cope. If you aren’t prepared it can end up in failure.
This also partly explains the belief in the so-called ‘addictive personality’; those people to seem to jump from one addiction to the next. When people drink to alleviate stress they become conditioned to consuming something to change how they feel, so the natural tendency is to keep going with that philosophy, even though the substance changes.
So they stop drinking but their smoking or vaping increases, or their caffeine consumption, or they start comfort / binge eating, or turn to description or over the counter drugs. Often they just jump form one to the next like some nightmare game of whack-a-mole.
The key here is to take conscious control of your coping mechanisms.
So what will you do when the bad times hit? Speak to a friend? Lose yourself in a book, film, or box set? Go for a run or to the gym? Meditate or do yoga? The list is endless. I talk to friends, I run and go to the gym, I read and watch films. Or I just go to bed and sleep.
I am going through a very difficult time at the moment personally. My wife and I are separating. I am currently living out of hotels and Airbnbs. At 48 it is not ideal! But I am keeping my coping mechanisms close; I have just been for a run, I am making sure I get down the gym over lunchtime, I have friends and family to speak to, and books on the go.
You need to get your plan in place now, because unfortunately no matter how good your life is, the bad times will come, and you need to plan in advance how you will cope with them.
28 responses
I’m sorry to hear that, William. Hope you’re doing okay.
This series of posts is brilliant- so helpful. Keep up the good work.
Wishing you strength and courage William. Thank you for these blogs, they are so helpful.
Thankyou for sharing your wisdom and teachings while your own private situation is your own challenge I do appreciate you sharing this part of your life as it is authentic and familiar to many of us
You have helped me quit well over a year ago. I have found your wisdom invaluable. I am sorry to hear about your personal circumstances – that sounds really difficult. Wishing you all the best, Stephen.
Wishing you balance and perspective William. Keep running.
Sharing your journey and teaching us through your ups and downs makes you an exceptional person/teacher/role model. You have comforted many through your writings, probably more than you will ever know. May you find comfort and strength and peace during this difficult time from your loved ones and all of your healthy outlets. All will be well.
There is so much truth to this. Many years ago, I quit smoking cigarettes. When I quit, I noticed I started drinking more. Since I have quit drinking (going on nearly 2 years now) I find that I have a new found craving for sugar and I’m now working on that. Clearly I am seeking ways to fill the void. Thank you for making sense of this for us. Planning for healthy ways to cope (before we have to cope) is so key!
Thank you William for your insights on dealing with tough times without the crutch of alcohol.
So sorry to hear of your marriage issues, I went through the same at your age. I’m 62 now and life is good..just keep on going through it ☺️
YES. I hope to get where you are William.
Thanks William I am finding these emails a useful reminder of why alcohol doesn’t help anything in my life. I was a heavy drinker for many years but stopped 7 months ago and the resilience, clarity and calmness of my mind is a real eye opener. Your book helped me a great deal in realising the true impact of alcohol.
The ups and downs of life are a lot easier to deal with when not hungover and sleep deprived. Wishing you well on your journey through this difficult time, and thanks for your words.
I’m really appreciating these daily emails. I’ve previously stopped for over a year reading your books. Believe or not, a health crisis started me drinking again coupled with fears of what’s going on in the world right now. I was totally blind-sided by it. I’m not drinking much but also realise that I’ll soon be back up to old levels so these emails came a the perfect time. I’ve also picked up your book again. Sorry to hear you’re going through a challenging time & still managing to reach out to us.
I like the quote, “do not sub contract out control of your emotions to alcohol or other drugs”. This fits in with the need to “lean into our emotions” which Buddhism supports
Sorry to hear you are going through such a challenging time.
Thank you for all you do to help others with their drinking.
Your books and blogs are immeasurably helpful to my family and to my patients.
All the best.
Thank you for this William. I’m sorry to hear of your separation. I know how that feels!! I am 10 months AF and still getting through the adjustment. I did notice initially my craving for sweets did go up after I quit. I have been trying to make a conscious effort to curb that as well. I do find that going to the gym helps me tremendously. The calmness I experience afterwards is one way to clear my head. Also, walking in nature is a great way to get the senses going, especially if it’s near water, like the beach!!
So sorry that you are dealing with such a difficult situation. You are such a help to me and to so many. Your book was the key to my sustained sobriety, now nearly 10 years. Running is an excellent coping skill as is sleep. Thinking of you and sending wishes for better days ahead.
Thanks for sharing your own life as an example to inspire others. This is so true! I turned to food – snacking a lot, eating sweets, over caffeinating, and eating too much. Now i do Yoga / meditate, spend time in nature, go to gym, read, journal, watch uplifting Youtube videos, etc. which is far better than the self-inflicted misery of ethanol. 17 months AF
Thanks for this especially given your own difficult circumstances. You have a very good way of explaining the effects of alcohol and it continues to be my main reference for stressful days.
Exercise is a great help and please continue to look after yourself.
Thank you for your continuing emails about this issue. Especially at such a difficult time in your life. I hope you are ok and your strategies for coping work well for you. Life does get difficult and silent. I hope you know that getting through this will lead to different and yes, better days ahead with new adventures in your life. Take care and go gently.
Gosh, I’m so sorry to hear you are separating.
That’s when I started drinking, when my marriage ended, I very rarely drank before that.
Now I can’t stop, I need to try harder, you are an inspiration to all of us.
Your daily emails are very helpful. I’m just over 900 days af, and it’s thanks to you. I’m sorry to hear your news about your marriage. That must be very tough. I hope you are ( both) ok, and that you manage to remain on good terms, if not now then eventually. Best wishes for the future.
Thank you for these daily posts/emails. They are coming at a great time for me. I am so very sorry for the news about your marriage. It must be very tough. You remaining af through this really shows all of us that struggle that if you can do it with all you are going through then so can we!
William, yet another challenge of the mind. I’m sure you will pass through it and appreciate the trial on the other side.
I’ll take this opportunity to thank you for being the spark to get me through my biggest trial. Your clarity in the matter is the bedrock that I now stand on. 3 year on, I am starting to appreciate how something so difficult can propel me further to find contentment within.
You are right, life will have problems. A widow, l moved from north to south by my sister. In 4 years l have yet to feel like this is home. Working on it. I’m sorry about your breakup.
Your consistent and honest ability to not only share this factual knowledge of alcohol and its affects on us, but also sharing your own story is what makes you such a brilliant teacher. Continuing to educate us while going through such a difficult time is beyond what most people would ever do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I’ve set my goals and always have a plan of action. Life can be so erratic, and my sobriety (and health) is #1.
I am so sorry to hear about your marriage problems William. You have been an inspiration to me and many others. I split with my husband a few years ago and we get on better now. I love my new life and my independence. Keep going and I can promise you things WILL get better. Your books are the very best quit lit out there and I love your blog 🙂
Thank you so much for your tremendous insights. I found you through the Alcohol Experiment with Annie Grace. Your talk on Day 3 (I think) about alcohol’s effect on sleep was a game changer for me. Thank you for presenting the information and research in a logical way. Getting better sleep is one of the biggest reasons I’m alcohol free. So sorry to hear about your separations. I think you mentioned you have kids. As a child of divorce, I will say the dad can have a very big impact on their kids. Remember that, you are very important to them. And I hope you’ll reassure them that it’s not their fault, kids tend to think that. Thanks again for making time for your followers, your community.
Really sorry to learn that you are going through a separation. Like so,so many,I really do appreciate you sharing this with us,as it helps us to see that even when life hits us hard,and we feel like it can’t get any worse,turning to alcohol will only make us feel worse.
And it’s an old and trusted saying,but these things will pass 🙏
I appreciate your openness and honesty. Wishing you strength and resilience during your struggles.